Asia has given us many wonderful things: tentacle porn, ninjas, ninja stars, the song Heat of the Moment, and gravure models, among the best. But to my mind, Asias greatest export is what I will affectionately and blanketly, in my cultural insensitivity, call the noodle bowl. A huge bowl of broth, meat, toppings, and deliciously alkaline noodles is perhaps my favorite food of the moment. This will change as soon as I see a picture of a cheeseburger, but right now, I am on a noodle kick. Im lucky enough to live in a place with a ton of Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, and Thai restaurants, most of which offer some form of a noodle bowl, as well as a side-order of hilariously-translated menu descriptions*. Unfortunately, money spent on noodle bowls is money not available for sponsoring my African orphan, Douglas Asenbach TheChefsPrerogative. As such, I have taken to making heaping bowls of noodles in my home, instead. Im still in the Ah, fuck it lets just throw everything in there stage of this recipes development, so feel free to experiment on your own and commit seppuku when it all goes wrong.
Id watch yourself, kitty. Thats all cute and funny, but in this economic climate, youre just an enticement to a cheap meal. See how I avoided the obvious and stereotypical some Asians eat dogs and cats joke? Thats some good and responsible blog jokin, right there.
Wondrous Ingredients of Luck Terrific!
NoodlesRice wine vinegarMirinGingerPeanut oilShallotMeatVeggiesWhatever else you got
Making Most Happy Foods Wonderful!
Look, Im no Asian chef, and, as stated, Ive only recently begun making these things, so cut me some fucking slack if Im not using nori or naruto or Hello Kitty, or whatever else makes noodle bowls authentic feel free to put some of your manga on in the background while making this, if it will make you feel better. In fact, I bought David Changs wonderful book, Momofuku, for the sole purpose of getting better at this whole Asian cooking thing, but, after careful study, I have come to the conclusion that that shit is fucking hard! Seriously, it scares me and makes me want to cry.
Because of the inherent difficulty of making authentic J-cuisine, and the time constraints imposed on me by my almost impossible cosplay schedule, I opt for a simple, yet tasty, noodle bowl, which appeals to both my appetite and inherent affinity for randomly chucking shit in a pot, guided by nothing but a peculiar mix of impulse, intuition, and martinis. That such a mix was also the impetus for landing me in a Oaxacan jail for the past four months bodes well for the final, inevitably perfect, presentation of this dish.
My cell-mate, Juan, taught me a lot about life, philosophy, and how to stab a guy to death using a shiv fashioned out of an old newspaper and spit.
I generally start out by sauteing finely diced shallots, onions, and assorted veggies in peanut oil. I then add mirin and rice wine vinegar, because those are Asian. This is followed by adding shitake mushrooms and a mixture of whatever stock or broth I have in my pantry, as well as soy sauce. Seriously, whatever you got, throw it in after all, this is generally where I get all Dr. Frankenstein on my ramen. For whatever reason, I always feel it necessary to let the mixture reduce a lot, then add more stock, then reduce again. Whenever my impeccable and almost Helios-like culinary intuition kicks in and informs me that the broth is now ready that any more cooking would ruin it, but any less and it wouldnt have been complete I throw in tofu, bok choy, and whatever else I can think of, to finish it off like I was a Korean masseuse at a Japanese massage parlor. Pour the broth over boiled noodles of your choosing, and top with pork shoulder youve conveniently roasted to perfection before-hand. On the side, I like to have a bowl of julienned radish and cucumber, some hot sesame oil, and a jar of seasoning I stole from my local Japanese restaurant.
As Ive been writing this, and simultaneously perusing some ramen-oriented sites on the internet, I have come to the realization that Im kind of massacring a centuries-old cuisine, and doing to it what Sandra Lee does to all manner of food and table-scapes. But, listen: if you want a proper bowl of ramen (as well as all manner of other delicious Asian treats), go get you some Momofuku from Barnes Noble, and follow its great recipe. Its a great book if not exactly user friendly (seriously, Im a big fan of ramen, but I dont know if I want to cook a gallon-and-a-half of broth, dude) and the author uses the word fuck a lot. And, in defense of my horrific and ethnically insensitive recipe, this is how Chang describes what he deduced as the ramen recipe of a very popular Tokyo ramen house: (1) Soy sauce placed in bowl, then stock, (2) gigantic helping of noodles, (3) toppings are placed, (4) finished with a touch of stock. So it seems ramen is not about some specific recipe, but rather about the simplicity and quality of its constituent parts; a quality which, like all seemingly simple things, takes millenia to perfect. Im not saying you and I should give up trying for the perfect, authentic noodle bowl, but I am saying that youre a white guy who drives a Saab, so maybe just be happy with a reasonable facsimile you can make in your house, without a centuries-old recipe and the patience of Confucius. If, however, you can find a place that serves good pork buns, just give up and go there, instead.
Did you seriously think you were getting out of here without a picture of a Gravure model? I may not know how to cook things of a Japanese nature, but I sure as hell know how to masturbate to them.
_____________*An actual description from a small noodle joint I recently visited: Kink pork noodle soup to the last drop drink, became one of the ingredients, and balanced a taste of Santoka also say one cup. The image of a sophisticated finish to taste both beautiful slender women. Koume icon is decorated with chocolate in the middle of the bowl is topped with only noodles shiora. I like the noodles and beautiful, slender women, but Im a little disquieted by the thought of that chocolate in my ramen.